Lovingly Always

This is a post I wrote for Advent on the theme of waiting for my gap year program

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Waiting is one of those things that is an absolute in life. Yet, in our instant gratification culture, it is also one of those things that makes us the most uncomfortable. I am a part of the now generation. With texting, Netflix, and Amazon Prime, there’s not too many things in this world for which I truly have to wait. The one thing in this world that I want the most is one I must wait for and even then it is not a guarantee.

For almost two years, I went to doctor’s appointment after doctor’s appointment, left with many unanswered questions and concerns, given only the instruction to wait a little longer to monitor my symptoms, with no diagnosis or any relief. Finally, I was given an answer. My waiting was over! But when I was diagnosed with endometriosis, my heart was shattered. The endometrium in my body was displaced, essentially meaning that my uterine lining was sticking my pelvic organs together, not only causing severe pain but also meaning I may never be able to get pregnant. I was utterly distraught. My biggest dream, to be a wife and mother, might never come true. I’m not married yet, I’m not even engaged, I’m only 18! I’m in no place to be a mother right now. But with each passing day, I remember that my endometriosis is only getting worse. It can’t be reversed, there is no cure, it can only be as managed as your body will allow. With each passing day, I remember my chance of future pregnancy is dwindling.

All I can do is wait. My only option is to wait for the right person and the right time, and trust that all of this is according to the perfect plan that the Lord has. I know that one day, if the Lord wills it, when I hold my precious baby, I will feel no different than Jacob when he finally was able to marry Rachel, his bride. It will have seemed like only a few days to me because of my love for her, but until then I will wait on the Lord with the utmost joy.