Lovingly Always

What I have experienced in the past nine months will be quite difficult to sum up in just a mere few pages. I have learned, done, and experienced much more than many of the people I know have done at my age. I have gained a framework on which I am now able to build the rest of my life. Many of my friends have felt as though they were thrown into the deep end of life having never been given the chance to stick their toes in the water. Through this year, I was guided step by step into the water from the shallows. Now I’m ready to dive.

When I first walked into this house nine months ago, I wondered if I had made the right choice. I only really knew two people who were in the program and I seriously questioned if I would be happy in a program with such structure. Of my three roommates, two of them were new to camp and the other was one of my best friends from summer. It wasn’t the most ideal situation for me to spread out of my comfort zone, but at the time I was thrilled. In those first few months, I was mostly navigating the murky waters of living with other people. As an only child, I’ve never shared a room or a bathroom before, let alone with three other people. Space was tight more often than not, and we had serious issues with cleaning the bathroom.

It’s weird to say that my first real issue as far as conflict was over something so seemingly insignificant as hair in the bathroom, but after many days and weeks of it being there, it becomes a huge deal. One of my roommates, Sarah, has thick, long, curly, dark hair. And a lot of it. She sheds hair more than a golden retriever, and used to have a bad habit of not picking it up. This drove me more than just a little bit insane. As I was soon to find out, she doesn’t handle conflict well. So any time I would say anything she would just silently agree, but nothing would change. Then silently agreeing turned into snapping at me. Then we just didn’t talk about it. I would just shove down my disgust and she would (as I later learned) take hour long showers just to be petty. Despite having taken Conflict Resolution as well as Leadership and Self-Deception, we were both still two stubborn sinners who would not come to an agreement. It wasn’t until we had returned from Christmas that something had clicked. The four of us quickly became very close. Sarah and I were able to eventually talk about the bathroom openly, once we had established a relationship. Some people just need a little time to understand that you’re coming from a place of love, not a place of hate. And sometimes you need to be patient with the other person and run towards the conflict and the hard things, not away from them. How are you supposed to break down a wall if you’re running away from it?

From what I understand, being roommates with your best friend is always rainbows and sunshine, right? I know that everyone has stories of how living with someone you’re close to can be incredibly hard, but living with Lauren truly may have been what gave me the biggest opportunity for growth of the entire year. Having personally struggled with depression and anxiety, it was hard to not sympathize with Lauren. She was unmedicated and had been on a downward spiral since the beginning of the summer, but I was unaware of the extent of her digression. When Dave pulled me outside and asked me if I was willing to go with Lauren and Kelly to the hospital so that she could check herself in, I was in complete shock. From that moment forward, my empathy and maternal instincts took over in any situation involving Lauren. I have always been fiercely loyal but timid, yet in this situation I learned how to stand up to authority when I thought there was an injustice. So I fought very hard for Lauren to be able to come back, and she did. Things were better when she returned – she spent less time alone in bed in the dark. She struggled adjusting to her new medicine, and when she struggled I struggled. I didn’t realize how big of an impact she had on my own mental health until well after.

When we went on our trip to New York, a few students, including Lauren, were speaking of ungodly things in the hot tub, and Garrett overheard on the security camera. The situation escalated which led to Lauren leaving the program, without any real explanation to me. So naturally, I was furious and I was not quiet about it. Which led to an intervention that left me only more angry than I was before. I cried and cried that night and a few times on the way home and when I saw her bed empty when we returned. I was off the weekend following our trip to go to a wedding, but when I returned Dave sat down with me and explained the entirety of the situation to me, what Lauren had really happened. I was absolutely shocked and I felt like a complete idiot and I felt awful for disrespecting and mistrusting Dave. Looking back at it now, Lauren leaving was probably the best thing for my spiritual and emotional growth that happened all year. I was forced to move out of my comfort zone, forced to rely on the Lord, and forced to rethink my own values. I was given the freedom to focus solely on my own spiritual growth, and I realized what a stumbling block Lauren had been for me. I have since come to realize that when you don’t remove someone who is hurting your relationship with the Lord, He will remove them for you. And what the Lord removes from your life shouldn’t have been there in the first place, so don’t seek after it once it’s gone.

When I think about all of the ways this year has impacted me as a person, I couldn’t be more appreciative. I have grown exponentially in my faith, not only in its depth but also in my willingness to openly speak about who I have become in Christ. I am more knowledgeable of Christian doctrine than I ever thought I could be. I have a deeper understanding of my own strengths and weaknesses, and I have learned how to be an effective Christian leader. I had my world shaken by Leadership and Self-Deception and I haven’t thought of life or interpersonal relationships the same way. I have come to learn how to have healthy rhythms with sleep, food, cleaning, work, exercise, and rest. I know how to hitch a trailer and I can save someone from drowning. I have commercial cooking experience and can throw an axe with shocking accuracy. I have learned to work when I really don’t want to and to let people help me when I don’t want to ask. I’ve learned how to be weak and how to be strong. I’ve learned that God brings people into your life for a reason and that the evil one can bring people into your life too. I’ve learned that you can love anyone if you try hard enough. I’ve learned that my real passion in life is loving people and that above all else I want to be a mom and a wife. I’ve learned that giving your life to God and letting Him run with it is a thousand times more rewarding than holding on tightly to what you want.

I pray that in 5-10 years I look back on this past year as fondly as I am now. I hope that at my wedding I have my roommates standing by me at the altar and I have the rest of my compass friends in the pews. I know that because of all I have learned and experience through the past nine months will allow me to go through college more successfully than I otherwise would have. I think it is safe to say that I will carry that success with me into a career and into my family life. I think that I will avoid the typical freshman experience of abusing the new-found freedom as I have learned the importance of having healthy rhythms. I know that my relationship with the Lord will only grow deeper from this point and I will always look back fondly on all of the growth that I had while in compass. I couldn’t be more grateful for this past year and the impact it will have on me for the rest of my life.